Hodgepodge - in the thesaurus under 'mess'
I hate when Christians compromise.
Who am I to judge? Who am I not to think with my mind?
I believe we behave out of what we believe.
Does each person have their own convictions that make them live a certain way? Why do Christians not live the same but have different personalities? Should we live the same?
I went away and now I am back.
No, not just mentally or emotionally but physically.
HA HA.
I went away to Keremeous this weekend for a conference that Ev Schroeder, my pastor and friend, was speaking at. I went to pray for her, the town, the people and to be used by God.
I met wonderful people. I worshiped the living God. I saw women get touched by the spirit of God. I met a dear friend's mom and I fell in love with her. I pressed through all thoughts and feelings and just did, followed. I slept great. I ate. I read. I sang and laughed. I submitted and surrendered. I shared and spoke. I grew. I received and gave. I drank water. I walked. I was thankful. But it was a struggle for me the whole time.
I wanted to burst into tears the whole ride home - about 4 hours. After dropping 2 people off here in Maple Ridge I DID! I did as I drove home, unpacked my car, unpacked my bags, rolled on the floor, read emails, read the newspaper...I sobbed.
Why?
Before I went I felt like I wasn't needed but I knew God wanted me there. I followed him. Coming back I felt like I didn't have to go. It would have been just as great without me.
I fought that with trust and faith in God. I don't know what God did through me but I was there and I followed Jesus and that's all I know and that is fine.
There is this woman named Helga who is beautiful and everyone talks about her with such high esteem. I love her myself.
Do people think of me like that? Some people despise me. I am not as pretty as she.
I fought that by stopping the comparison thing. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Jesus trades my ashes in for beauty and I am loved in all aspects by Him.
Someone's whole family is turning towards the shining face of Jesus and in the natural, I don't see that mine is. Again, I fought by stopping the comparing. I will continue to pray and wait in expectancy. Jesus wants no one to perish and he doesn't want anyone lukewarm.
I became worried about where I was going to live, how Sunday school was going to go with me teaching it in a new format, how I felt inadequate to be working at the church for the youth intern. I felt that I was not doing my job. I was angry that I was worried and jealous and comparing. I was angry because I was angry.
Fought this with faith and the word. God works ALL THINGS together for those who love him and are called according to his purposes. He provides for the birds in the air so He will provide much more for me, his daughter. Do not worry about tomorrow, tomorrow has its own worries. Anything not of faith is sin. I live and am because of His grace.
More aggravation came when more people came home. I got more angry. Don't eat junk food at 10 at night and then complain you are overweight. You are simply living with the consequences of your actions. Watching a movie about witchcraft or a TV show that is extremely crude is not feeding your spirit. I thought the thoughts that are at the top of this blog.
Continued the fight: In wrath, remember mercy. Jesus, HELP. Take the log out of my eye before I take the speck out of another's. Put on love which binds everything together in perfect unity.
I went into (a room) and prayed, listened to the bible on CD and fell asleep.
I live in Jesus Christ and sleep on my mother's couch. I slept in my brothers room and he slept on the couch cause they were watching a movie.
In the morning I prayed more because I felt the dirt of the night before was still on me, then became angry because it was still on me. I was miserable. I asked for prayer.
During the morning service, I wanted Jesus to touch me so bad. I just sang, stood, kneeled before him and declared his love over me, even though I did not feel it. Then I felt guilty because it's not about me.
Serving communion..Wow, what torment. Who do you thin you are? You can't serve the body and blood if you are not living in its victory! ALL LIES! I am a daughter of the King, bought with a high price. I am righteous. I am in right standing with God because of the body and blood of my Savior, Jesus Christ. SHUT UP!
Jealousy and comparing came to visit once again. Why could I not worship like others? Am I a gift from God? I am helping this church? Would people be upset if I left? Would it be a party if I came back? YUCK, yuck, yuck. How selfish. I hated my thoughts. I got angry with and at them. Tears showed it. My body language, facial expressions, showed it.
Sunday school turned out good.
God is amazing!
Just before lunch with some dear friends a dear other friend got in a car accident with her baby and I went there to comfort and pray for her.
God is amazing.
Mom was in pain but baby was fine, smiling. When this happened I forgot about myself. She and the baby was top priority.
This is it. Love God with all your mind, heart, soul and strength and love your neighbor as yourself.
I love God. I serve him. I want to be like him.
I almost proved this with this past weekend. I love God. I obey and followed. I replaced truth for lies.
I would hope that another would do the same for me as I did unto my dear friend. I love her. I love God in me.
This email is me ranting...sharing my hodgepodge with anyone who will read.
Please pray for me.
I am in a season of perseverance. I tend to do just that - presevere. PUSH.
I will go up higher. I will trek in deeper, walk through the sludge. I will be a warrior. I will overcome. I will stir my faith. I will believe like a child. I will seek the face of the Lord. I will walk in His ways. I will walk through the disappointments and they won't discourage me to the point where I would consider throwing in the towel. I will be strengthened by every discouragement and by every disappointment because I have already made up my mind that life isn't always easy.
Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope doe not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us. Romans 5:1-5.
Why so downcast, oh my soul?
Put your hope in God!
For I will yet praise you, My God and my Savior.
- - -
Underneath your waterfalls, deep calls out to deep.
Rapids and breakers are washing over me.
- - -
I long for you in a dry and weary land.
Who am I to judge? Who am I not to think with my mind?
I believe we behave out of what we believe.
Does each person have their own convictions that make them live a certain way? Why do Christians not live the same but have different personalities? Should we live the same?
I went away and now I am back.
No, not just mentally or emotionally but physically.
HA HA.
I went away to Keremeous this weekend for a conference that Ev Schroeder, my pastor and friend, was speaking at. I went to pray for her, the town, the people and to be used by God.
I met wonderful people. I worshiped the living God. I saw women get touched by the spirit of God. I met a dear friend's mom and I fell in love with her. I pressed through all thoughts and feelings and just did, followed. I slept great. I ate. I read. I sang and laughed. I submitted and surrendered. I shared and spoke. I grew. I received and gave. I drank water. I walked. I was thankful. But it was a struggle for me the whole time.
I wanted to burst into tears the whole ride home - about 4 hours. After dropping 2 people off here in Maple Ridge I DID! I did as I drove home, unpacked my car, unpacked my bags, rolled on the floor, read emails, read the newspaper...I sobbed.
Why?
Before I went I felt like I wasn't needed but I knew God wanted me there. I followed him. Coming back I felt like I didn't have to go. It would have been just as great without me.
I fought that with trust and faith in God. I don't know what God did through me but I was there and I followed Jesus and that's all I know and that is fine.
There is this woman named Helga who is beautiful and everyone talks about her with such high esteem. I love her myself.
Do people think of me like that? Some people despise me. I am not as pretty as she.
I fought that by stopping the comparison thing. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Jesus trades my ashes in for beauty and I am loved in all aspects by Him.
Someone's whole family is turning towards the shining face of Jesus and in the natural, I don't see that mine is. Again, I fought by stopping the comparing. I will continue to pray and wait in expectancy. Jesus wants no one to perish and he doesn't want anyone lukewarm.
I became worried about where I was going to live, how Sunday school was going to go with me teaching it in a new format, how I felt inadequate to be working at the church for the youth intern. I felt that I was not doing my job. I was angry that I was worried and jealous and comparing. I was angry because I was angry.
Fought this with faith and the word. God works ALL THINGS together for those who love him and are called according to his purposes. He provides for the birds in the air so He will provide much more for me, his daughter. Do not worry about tomorrow, tomorrow has its own worries. Anything not of faith is sin. I live and am because of His grace.
More aggravation came when more people came home. I got more angry. Don't eat junk food at 10 at night and then complain you are overweight. You are simply living with the consequences of your actions. Watching a movie about witchcraft or a TV show that is extremely crude is not feeding your spirit. I thought the thoughts that are at the top of this blog.
Continued the fight: In wrath, remember mercy. Jesus, HELP. Take the log out of my eye before I take the speck out of another's. Put on love which binds everything together in perfect unity.
I went into (a room) and prayed, listened to the bible on CD and fell asleep.
I live in Jesus Christ and sleep on my mother's couch. I slept in my brothers room and he slept on the couch cause they were watching a movie.
In the morning I prayed more because I felt the dirt of the night before was still on me, then became angry because it was still on me. I was miserable. I asked for prayer.
During the morning service, I wanted Jesus to touch me so bad. I just sang, stood, kneeled before him and declared his love over me, even though I did not feel it. Then I felt guilty because it's not about me.
Serving communion..Wow, what torment. Who do you thin you are? You can't serve the body and blood if you are not living in its victory! ALL LIES! I am a daughter of the King, bought with a high price. I am righteous. I am in right standing with God because of the body and blood of my Savior, Jesus Christ. SHUT UP!
Jealousy and comparing came to visit once again. Why could I not worship like others? Am I a gift from God? I am helping this church? Would people be upset if I left? Would it be a party if I came back? YUCK, yuck, yuck. How selfish. I hated my thoughts. I got angry with and at them. Tears showed it. My body language, facial expressions, showed it.
Sunday school turned out good.
God is amazing!
Just before lunch with some dear friends a dear other friend got in a car accident with her baby and I went there to comfort and pray for her.
God is amazing.
Mom was in pain but baby was fine, smiling. When this happened I forgot about myself. She and the baby was top priority.
This is it. Love God with all your mind, heart, soul and strength and love your neighbor as yourself.
I love God. I serve him. I want to be like him.
I almost proved this with this past weekend. I love God. I obey and followed. I replaced truth for lies.
I would hope that another would do the same for me as I did unto my dear friend. I love her. I love God in me.
This email is me ranting...sharing my hodgepodge with anyone who will read.
Please pray for me.
I am in a season of perseverance. I tend to do just that - presevere. PUSH.
I will go up higher. I will trek in deeper, walk through the sludge. I will be a warrior. I will overcome. I will stir my faith. I will believe like a child. I will seek the face of the Lord. I will walk in His ways. I will walk through the disappointments and they won't discourage me to the point where I would consider throwing in the towel. I will be strengthened by every discouragement and by every disappointment because I have already made up my mind that life isn't always easy.
Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope doe not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us. Romans 5:1-5.
Why so downcast, oh my soul?
Put your hope in God!
For I will yet praise you, My God and my Savior.
- - -
Underneath your waterfalls, deep calls out to deep.
Rapids and breakers are washing over me.
- - -
I long for you in a dry and weary land.
posted by Salina | 11:50 p.m.
1 Comments:
wow. i don't think i've ever read anything so sad and uplifting at the same time.
First (((((BIG HUGS))))). I don't want to say I know exactly how you feel so I'll just say SOME DAYS I know exactly how you feel.
not that you're asking but i think you're wonderful for being obedient and going where you think God wanted you to go. i also personally, think that you did produce fruit there and as soon as you got home, in your tiredness, the enemy tried to steal your blessing - not that that is why you went.
keep pressing in df (dimpleface), it's all we can do when we can't feel Him. There's nothing else we can do anyways - is there?
Luv "U"!
me.
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