failed...no

Well...my last post was good.
Youth / Young Adults night last week was interesting. What a great place to apply what God has been teaching me, BUT... I fealt like I failed. Did I? No!
PLBC (Pacific Life Bible College) from Surrey came tonight to kick off thier across Canada tour. I was asked proir to the meeting that night to do announcement and I said no then I said ya, sure. It wasn't a big deal. So then I sat in the auditorium and watched the group grow bigger. As the crowd grew, my confidence shrunk or disappeared or perhaps I just became more worried about it. I didn't want to do announcements anymore. Not in front of all these people I didn't know. I don't know if I was afraid or cared about what people thought. I don't know but I didn't want to do announcements anymore.
The war begins.
Be confindent Salina. Why do I not want to do announcements? I don't know. Are you afraid of what people will think about you? Kinda but who I am in Christ is what really matters. If you get so worked up about announcements, how are you ever going to speak to big crowds like the ones you dream of? God is faithful! I am in a growth process and yes I wish it would move faster but his timing is perfect and I submit to it.
So then someone welcomes everyone to the event and she just fits in. This is her church, her school. She is being real and so confident. Is this me envying her? Probably. I compare myself to her often. I love her so much and I hate the fleshly, wordly mind. JESUS HELP ME. I pray for her, Jesus let me pray for her more, and blessings over her only. She is so wonderful and thank you for moving in and through her.
So I get up there and it is fine. I made practically no eye contact. I don't know why. I wasn't as shaky as I thought I would be. Was I moving in the anointing? Did I have to? I could just be doing duty. Is that ok?
So many thoughts through the whole night.
I wanted to leave. I wanted to dance. Thank you Lord, for letting me learn and live out what I am learning about worship. Calling, crying, and yearning for a passion to be stirred for the name of Jesus Christ in this nation. For the 11 to 14 year olds to have a burning heart for God and for the body of Christ to accept them.

Get it

This morning I was watching Joyce Meyer, as I try to every day, and she was talking about confidence. Right away I thought 'uh oh'! Confidence is something I lack. Not in all areas but in many. I would love to speak. I feel like I can't. I have nothing to say or something. I do but that is an excuse. I don't mean to pull it out but I do, unconsciously. I am afraid.

So I started crying and had a little conversation with God.
What would I teach?
The word and your life.
I don't know your word.
Yes you do.
Not well enough to teach it. I might start to learn it when I go to school in September. No, I want to know it now.
Than study it.

He has said this to me many times before. We've had this conversation almost repetitively. But this time was different. He said then study it and I could not continue crying. It hit me. I was shocked and I got it. Study it. Stop complaining and work it through. A pause for me to get it and the conversation continued:

How? I don't know how.
Yes you do. You do study it now. You want to know it and I see your heart. Trust in me and I will lead you. Remember your prophetic word. I will teach you. I'll teach you things that you others can't teach by reading the word, listening to a sermon or singing and worshiping. That this is gonna be something of an experience that your going to be able to share with others. Your gonna walk into the holy of holies, where many people have not been, and your gonna be able to describe. And when you start to say it and speak it and bring understanding to it, that others are going to just melt in the presence of the Lord. I am making you a handmaiden, something special. I will groom you. You are in preparation. Just trust me, my daughter. Your Daddy can open doors that no man can close and close doors no man can open. You are also yearning after who you are in Christ. That part of your journey will help you with confidence. Remember also going over my word and learning, transforming your mind, who you are in Christ. What I think of you. Remember John 5 when Jesus is talking about me testifying about Him. You know I do that for you. I see you reading those often to remind your self that I testify for you. Keep doing that. I love you. I love you. I love you. I long for you to drown in my love. I love you.

I was crying cause I felt not smart enough, not called to speak, not having enough confidence to do what burns in my heart, not knowing what to do or say until that time came. I expected almost like to wake up one day and have a sermon in my mind and then go and preach it. I believe that will happen to me one day but it's a process. God just spoke right to my heart and I just couldn't cry anymore. I love getting shocked by his voice and love. I may cry now or later just in thankfulness. He is amazing.

I stopped watching Joyce to write this so I am going to go back now...Pausing and writing as I go.
Confidence to a believer is like fuel to a jet. We have everything we need, it is a choice to withdraw it from our account. Just because we have something doesn't mean we use it. Pray for faith, ok, but use it! Use the faith that you have. Everyone has a measure of faith, use it. I have confidence because Christ is in me. God did not give us a spirit of fear but of love, power and self-discipline. Do it afraid. It's not the end of the world if I make a mistake. Failing doesn't make you a failure. If you miss God, He'll find you and get you back on track. People live this itty bitty lives but Jesus died so we could have a big life. Fear not doesn't mean don't feel afraid, it means don't bow down to fear. Do it afraid. Fear means to set flight or run away. Fear not means to stand strong and keep going forward when things look frightening. You can do whatever I tell you you can do. Satan uses fear to keep us from making progress. Confidence is the belief that you are able and acceptable. We are made acceptable in the beloved. Confidence cause people to be bold, open and plain. It is a blood bought right to be confident. Stop the if's of life and just do something.

I hope ya'll are blessed in someway and thanks for peeking in on my journey.