a worthy heart

FRESH

2010-08-28T09:43:00.000-07:00

I like fresh herbs. I'd like to cook with them more.
I made vegetarian Chilli last night from scratch, and I remember that I like cooking for people. I'd like to cook more for people. I like following recipes sometimes. I hope I am a good wife and mother, if those are in the plans of the Creator for me.
Looking at previous blogs puts some things in retrospect. I think I like Blogs. You can really get to know someone. It's a bit more private than FACEBOOK NOTES. I like it.
Travel. Photography. Dresses. Hairdresser. Clothing Store. People. Love. Food.
I like those things and more.
Till later.

Pretty Random I know.

2008-02-21T08:55:00.000-08:00

Sorry, I moved to FACEBOOK.
I'm back visiting, and perhaps will own these two houses. We will see how long I can maintain cleaning up both houses.
Sweet, till later.

Session 12

2007-04-07T21:36:00.000-07:00

the Messiah complex
we all have one...at some point you have thought...i have to save the world...haven't you?

we shall imitate him not by being big, wielding power, being served or bullying
but by being small, becoming weak, being a servant, loving and showing kindness, giving water to the thirsty and clothes to the naked

I've often had these pictures where my whole body shrunk so small but my hands and feet were huge. I believe that when I get these, this is who I am when I move for Jesus. Have you had anything like that? A picture or a feeling, when you know you are truly humble and glorifying God alone, not yourself.

hero or martyr - 4 J.C.
do you want to be carried on the crowds shoulders or wear the winners wreath?
do you want to be trampled beneath the mob's feet or wear the thorny crown?

Our aim shouldn't be service, necessarily, but to have the Christ-like attitude of servant hood.
secret service acts, with no applause or thank you, not seeking or avoiding persecution, whether we feel like it or not, despite inconvenience...umm...can you do that? can I do that?

Play second fiddle, then you'll have a harmony.

Service tells us Jesus loves us. Service is the best way to love Christ and to love LIKE Christ.

does security eliminate self promotion and self protection?

Session 11

2007-04-03T19:14:00.000-07:00

Speed is killing us. Slow down and live.

Consumption is killing us. Go fast and live.
Jesus began His ministry with a 40 day fast. He stood against the enemy with the word of God and an empty stomach. He was surrounded by rocks and scorpions. Adam and Eve fell in fullness. They had a full stomach and was surrounded by all the food in the world.
Fasting begins with a hunger for more of God's presence and direction.
Gluttony is an appetite suppressant for the things of God - Cornelius Plantinga.
The 'M' arch and Coca-Cola are more accepted that the cross.
We overemphasize the pleasure of eating and down play the nutritional value. I challenge you to eat only for nutritional value for a while. I am trying it now and it is hard but I know my body will benefit in the long run. For me, I am trying no processed food (hot dogs, cheese slices, etc.) or frozen dinners. No coffee, ice caps, candy, chocolate, and little sugar. It is hard and sometimes I give in. Eat what is natural: fruits, veggies, pasta's and meat.

Fasting is for blessing the Lord, to lay hands on others to send out, to draw close to God in danger, to get a great anointing and to be more sensitive to the Spirit. Withholding food or whatever you are sacrificing will not do you much good if you're not going to spend more time praying and waiting on God. Live a fasted life: never eat all you want. Don't let your appetite dominate you. Do you ever find yourself eating when you are not even hungry? Let's ask God why.

Fasting purposes are that it humbles us, test us, and teaches us.

Humbles us by showing us our limits, frailty, and utter dependency.

Mat 6:16...When you fast...not if.

We get cranky, depressed and weary when we haven't eaten for 12 hours. Jesus, not only calls us to not look somber, but to not act irregular either.

Tests us by showing us what is really in our hearts: anger, resentment, irritation, fear, depression, obedience, strength, faith, etc.

Teaches us that we don't eat on bread alone, but on every word from God. Jesus is the bread of Life. Scripture is the only thing big enough, tough enough, and true enough to speak to the flesh, world or the devil. Many of us today are food gluttons but biblical anorexics. We take in scripture as though it is drive through fast food.

B-I-B-L-E (Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth)

We usually don't search (whether by book or the net) about kayaking technique simply to ponder the idea. We read search it to learn how to do it.

All scripture is God breathed. It is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training so that we will be equipped for the work He calls us to do.

Some tools to use while reading and studying the Bible are a concordance, a Bible dictionary, a Bible handbook, and a commentary. It is also important to recognize the author, who it is written to, the style of writing and the CONTEXT. Observe, Interpret, Apply. Look at the food, look again, dissect it, eat it, experience how it energizes your body and changes your activity that day. Do you see a parallel between the two nutritional foods? Physical and Spiritual?

Session 10

2007-04-03T18:23:00.000-07:00

Leave yourself alone.
When we are bored, do we call it dead space? Perhaps the dead space is the living spaces, the breathing room.
Solitude, silence and secrecy, stills us, humbles us and makes us watchful.
Do we want to be approved, applauded, sought after, and highly regarded? YES! We want to exalt ourselves at the same time of avoiding ourselves. Solitude, silence, and secrecy help us break our addiction to self absorption and self avoidance. Do we run or stay too long from either one?
Jesus was usually not in a hurry; He did not complain, that we know of, that He had too much to do. The times when I slow down, I realize I enjoy the abundant life tremendously more.
Solitude = a space for listening, a cure for loneliness. Correct? In quietness, can we find the cure for loneliness? How? Maybe it is best to speak when tempted for selfish reasons to be silent. When we are tempted to justify, explain, excuse, exalt, gossip, or scold, we should be quiet. Maybe it is best to keep silent when tempted for selfish reasons to speak. When we are tempted to lay low, let things sort themselves out, rock the boat, say anything that might cause trouble, we should speak. What about when we are scared, misunderstood, or hurt? Both are costly and should be self giving. Does love allow people to continue rather to change for the better?
Silence = listening to God and others. When nothing is on (radio, TV, etc), do you tend to listen for the voice of God? Do we need to train ourselves that way? There was once a man who left 15 minutes early for lunch not to eat, but to stand with eyes closed and ears open in the middle of machinery. He was listening for brokenness. Do we leave for 5 minutes to listen for resolutions to our brokenness? WE SHOULD. Prayer can deteriorate into White House chatter (ppl not really listening but instead nodding, smiling and saying regular things: nice, God bless, Praise God).
Secrecy = hiding something out of humility; acting on the belief that the reward of God matters more than the reward of man. It is not hiding behind fig leaves, because of humiliation and selfishness, nor is it bragging of the wisdom we received from biting into the fruit in disobedience. How can we find a balance between when to tell and when to keep God's secret to ourselves?
Learn the mute language. Be interested in what God wants to say. Consciencely make the mouth close. In prayer, asking God what He wants and thinks needs humility and brokenness, opposites of regular human things. In Matthew 7 at the Transfiguration, Christ was on glory and God says: "Listen to Him". Instead of wasting 1/2 hour worrying about what to get done first on our 'to do' list - ask God - He will prioritize and things will flow seemingly. Give up control. Stop running things and God will. The word is like a glove. God can put His hand inside it and touch us. We don't drink every week, we drink daily. We are portable sanctuaries.
Be still and know that I am God. Be not do, still not movement, know is just believing, that HE IS.

Session 9

2007-03-19T11:02:00.000-07:00

Pride is broken through brokenness.
Wounds can cure us or shackle us to borderland.
Are they wounds of a madman, or a sterile surgeons?
If an enemy were insulting me, I could endure it; If a foe we raising himself against me, I could hide from him. But if it is you, a man like myself, my companion, my close friend, with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship as we walked with the throng at the house of God. Psalm 55:12-14. The enemy, we might understand, but a friend...is like a madman's gouge.
Where does your brokenness come from? Jesus WAS there.
What are the wounds of the Church?
We have wounds that are half-scabbed, hastily bandaged, that keep bleeding, waking us, hounding us with the ache while we try to go on (job, children, watching movies).
By his wounds we are healed.
Wounds can mean intimacy. We hurt, look at the cross - that is hurting. We've put it on him and he does a supernatural exchange. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him...Philippians 3:10.
Wounds are God's wooing, God's kiss - to restore and not to betray. Can we have intimacy with God without wounds, without times of hurting where we need to depend on him?
How can we receive comfort from the wounds of Jesus Christ that we have given him?
Wounds have had a role in our lives - shaping us into who we are today. They have made some slower to judge, more discerning, forgiving and trusting. Perhaps, we should wear our wounds as medals of honour, Christ does.

Confession is stripping down all the extra weight before running. In Walt Disney's 'Invincible' Vince Papale runs into the locker room at a football try out. His angry self is getting trampled on the field by all the regular players. He takes off his top gear and exchanges it for lighter gear. He doesn't give up, he does an exchange, and then venture out again. He strips down, runs again and makes it on the team.
Confession is cleaning out all the black sludge and dead leaves in the eaves' troughs so the rain water can wash them clean.
Confession is presenting our real self to God. We must be honest with our self and honest to one other person, not on Oprah to a zillion people-that's stripping.
When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. Psalm 32:3. Love can't cover the sins we cover up. 1 Peter 4:8 - Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. Proverbs 28:13 - He who conceals his sin does not prosper, but whoever confess and renounces them finds mercy. Walking in truth requires admitting sin. The light exposes and heals (1 John 1:6-8).
Confession is the portal out of borderland.
Is there anything that you need to strip off, clean out and be real with? Who should you tell? With whom do you need to apologize and make amends?
No confession makes the fellowship of the Church a country club instead. A masquerade, a game of hide and seek, no life, no depth.
No confession = hinders spiritual growth, rots the bones, withers our insides, hardens us...
'If I had cherished sin in my heart, the Lord would not have listened;' Psalm 66:18
What have you noticed that hidden (un-confessed) sin does to you?
Some paint fruit on hoping no one will notice there are no roots. Some plant seeds of sin or boast or confess rather about what others are doing or saying, then what they are personally responsible for. Own your stuff, share, don't play the blame game. That is not how the bride of Christ is supposed to live.

Session 8

2007-03-12T17:33:00.000-07:00

Holy habits feel awkward. When someone lies or starts smoking, it usually doesn't feel awkward. Why is it then that Holy habits feel more awkward than sinful actions? We are born human and so to form holy habits, we must die to our selfish desires and long after Christ-likeness.
Imagine what would happen to our lives if we added a spiritual habit to daily life. We wake up, brush our teeth, shower, get dressed... What if we through in some worship, prayer and Bible reading. Imagine what our lives would be like if our spiritual routines fit right along, were our daily routines. We could fit worship in the shower, prayer when we get dressed and while brushing our teeth, read or even listen to a chapter of the Bible, perhaps even when we are slowly eating breakfast.
Jesus had a routine of being with the Father. He stayed connect and that is why he could heal a boy and his disciples could not. Because he always prayed, he could stand and deliver.
Grace and earning are opposites. Grace and effort are allies. Make an effort to keep peace, keep unity, to be holy, to be found spotless, to enter rest. Receiving grace has been used as an excuse to laziness. Effort has gone over the edge and become 'workaholic'ish. Both are needed for a balance, both are needed to cancel out laziness and business.
Why should we do anything? LOVE. I challenge you to look at some things in your life and see if the bottom motivator is love. It should be. If it isn't, pray and see if you should continue in it.
God spoke to me a while ago, where are you? right when I was asking Him where he was. He doesn't need to be evoked. I do. God came to me. No, I came to be with God. Psalm 139, he knows my thoughts and he is everywhere.
Just before Christmas, I entered winter... in a spiritual sense. I am still there and I know God is doing a deep work and spring will come. I desperately want him near. I read, pray and worship, but still there is an unbreakable wall between heaven and earth. I've practiced, rehearsed, repeated and reworked my knowledge. He is here and real and at work...even though I don't feel it.
If we walk with continual expectancy, will each moment brim with the possibility of encounter and discovery?
Do it all for God. Work, school, leisure... For love for God. There is the sacred and the profane. The profane is the sacred abused, unkept, trampled on, trivialized... What do we need to do to live sacred holy lives? Can we not live, use, say and do only the sacred? Out of love, not duty?

Session 7

2007-03-03T11:31:00.000-08:00

Jesus vs Pharisees
heart vs external
lust (root of) vs adultery
involvement vs avoidance
rescue sinners vs avoid sinning
What can I do to have effective witness? vs How will this affect me witness?

Evil isn't safe in the presence of God
Sin is not a personal flaw like acne or crooked teeth.

It's bad when people instinctively define Christians by what they are not or what they avoid: smoking, drinking, sex until marriage, bad language. It's like drawing a background but not the portrait. I do these things because of a response to the love He has shown me. I want to live for Him.

Is God just another ball that we juggle? Trying to make everything go smoothly.

Let the cleanness inside spill out, washing filth and evil and sickness on the outside.

A glimpse of leaving borderland behind...watch The Secret Garden. This boy is kept in his room. His food is brought to him, his curtains closed, his wheelchair by his bed. His cousin comes to town and helps him OUT. She rips off the curtains and lets the light in. She opens the window for fresh air. He is freaking out. She gets him out of bed, and oh wow, outside of the house. He goes to the 'secret' garden and ends up walking, skipping, dancing, laughing. He hates the process while going through it but the end result is beautiful. Don't be too safe - God isn't.

Session 6

2007-02-16T19:26:00.000-08:00

Sometimes my leisure itself has become an anxious, and rushed business. Most often, my rest is restless. Can you have leisure time without anxiety?

Holiday
Holi day
Holy day

The holy day can be a day of evacuation and vacating, rather than rest and joy in the Lord. Perhaps it is not that we need more holidays but rather we need more of a Christlike sense of time; timeliness and timelessness.

Sometimes, I just want to disappear, or allow time to stand still. Do you want, for a few moments, to disappear?

A must - something you MUST do.
A true must constrains or liberates. It brings clarity. It balances playfulness and seriousness. In must there is a freedom and great gladness. For musts, you choose yet have no choice. You and dress yourself and go where you want and let someone else dress you and lead you to where you don't want to go. You live from a center that looses and binds you. It is deeply fulfilling and full of sacrifice.
I long to live like that. What are my musts? What are your musts?

Session 5

2007-02-11T19:11:00.000-08:00

Did Adam and Eve fall because they trusted in themselves?

Do we wage war on ourselves, deny self, and die to self rather than run, retaliate, sulk and self destruct?

Thinking about Cain and Abel lately, Genesis 4 ...
Abel's offering was favored, chosen and blessed. Cain was cursed, rejected and scorned for his offering but he was still PROTECTED, KEPT, and WATCHED OVER.
I was recently at a Bible study where someone was blessed with a jogging stroller they had wanted and someone else was blessed with a dress they were looking for and had received as a gift. I sat there and started to think...where is my blessing? This isn't fair. Then fought with...God you are good and just. You love me. You give me what I need. You are faithful.
God's eyes are never off of us, his beloved children.

Is life fair? Is God fair? or is God just? Where do we get the idea that God is fair? Some assume and only expect the lovey dovey, no hardship on us just our enemies, kind of God.
Justice isn't always fair. If someone is murdered, someone is missing. It's not fair for anyone. It is fair for us to die for our 'sins' - disobedience to God?

Do the right thing. What is the right thing? Quit your sulking; stop the self pity; have a right attitude; offer thankfulness, kindness, and generosity; give ourselves into his keeping and entrust our riches, children, homes and lives. What is the right thing? Faith. Do the right thing.

God's definition of wellness isn't about health, finances or job security.
"...it is well with my soul..."

Holiness is truth and God's wisdom in the inmost place. Are you Holy?

Good behavior can be our true self exposed or our true self concealed. Which is it for you?

Session 4

2007-02-05T13:52:00.000-08:00

Unless we see or touch or experience, there is a shade of doubt.

Skepticism = looking at a matter closely, study something with great care and detail.
Perhaps the church needs more skepticism.
You have heard 'don't always believe what you hear'.

The holy wild = God hungry doubts that pull us to our knees, force us into the word, and we wrestle with God until we receive a blessing.

Miracles in the Old Testament usually created distance rather than intimacy.
People who saw Jesus' miracles were still unsure to follow.

Is the depth of our doubt roughly porpotional to the depth of our faith?

We can be off the fence and still have questions, can't we?

Deny death, cloak sickness, hide old and decrepit away...today's culture shuns wounds and takes offence at a God who associates with suffering, blood and heartache. Some would rather see him do stunts, tricks, give blessings and cater to our every prayer and need rather than observe a God who participates in roughousing, battlefields and befriending losers.

When doubt is replaced with faith and truth, is our response worship?

Session 3

2007-01-25T20:17:00.000-08:00

Whatever happened to wonder?

technology has wooed us perhaps to kill us. The screen has replaced the heavens...Do you agree?
there is pros and cons to how the world has grown because of technology but has it damped our imagination at all? What do you think?
when some Africans were asked why they think they see more miracles than the western society does, they answer: "we have doctors".
Do you think we need imagination to hear the voice of God?

'If you describe a kiss in sheer physical terms, it sounds repulsive. Two people press their moist, creased facial orifices together, cinch tight the sphincter muscles to draw the flesh around the orifice into a bulbous mound, and exchange saliva and breath. It takes imagination to transmute that into an act of intimacy and eroticism. It takes the power to see beyond and beneath the stark physicality of it. Those who look at the stars and see only dead rock and gases are like men who have spent their lives analyzing kisses and have never kissed anyone.
We do that; Christians do, churches do. Look at Communion. Communion is tasting death and tasting life.
Aren't you left hungry and thirsty, both in reality (a tiny piece of bread when you probably didn't have breakfast and that yummy juice that you could glug a full cup full) and spiritually (wanting to know and experience all that the body and the blood do for us)?

A youth group was asked if they think the church is more like Indiana Jones or a How to Sew Instructional video. Can you guess what they answered? How can we align with God to facilitate his kingdom on earth?

The God we think we know is bigger. We know so little, really.

Session 2

2007-01-25T19:37:00.000-08:00

Our job is not to keep God from embarrassment.

Falling into God's hands is scary but not falling into His hands is terrifying.
In Narnia, Lucy asks beaver if Aslan the lion is safe. Beaver simply says, no, but he's good.

A safe God:
asks nothing of us
gives nothing to us
never drives us to our knees in hungry desperation
never sets us on our feet in fierce, fixed determination
never makes us bold
never asks that we embarrass ourselves
never says anything besides greeting card slogans
helps us escape reality

Would you agree? Look over the list again and ask yourself if you would like that. The above reminds me of a couch 'potato'. A slob. A safe God is what many also fear... a boring religion. The opposite is seen in the many Biblical stories, one in particular: Gideon. He was asked to tear down all the idols in his community. He was so scared he did it at night. He was asked to fight an opposing army with no weapons and only 300 men. God made them victorious. Here, God asked, gave desperation and determination, gave boldness and was engulfed with real life, real battles.

Some call on God like calling an errand boy, to make golf games pleasant.
But do we worship him? Die for him? Believe the cross is for us?
God's main business is not making sure we get a close parking spot to the mall because the colour bedsheet we want is on sale - miracle! - but is making us holy: where both the kindness and sternness of God is needed.

Session 1

2007-01-22T18:30:00.000-08:00

When Jesus walked with some of his disciples after his resurrection, their heart burned within them even though they did not know it was him (Luke 24:13-35). Why is it then that we start to live for Jesus and offer ourselves for his work, we get faint hearted and burnt out? Other words are inner deadness, spiritual sleepwalking, chronic stuckness.
We don't want to go back but sometimes, we are not very motivated to go forward.

There is a place I'll call Borderland in Africa where there are no laws. It is claimed or defended by anybody. Someone could shoot another, rob another and beat another, and the guards on either side of the borders watch unmovingly. The believers borderland is seen as this: temptation to sleep when we are called to pray, go shopping when we are called to fight, boast about free gifts, loose lipped with others secrets and tight lipped about the gospel. 'At times, the gap between the god we want and the God who wants us is vast beyond bridging.' This is a quote from a book I am reading by Mark Buchanan called Your God is Too Safe.

God is holy.
Do you dread God? Do you have a longing to flee, a love of distance, a desire to see God but only in a silhouette instead of face to face? Would you rather hear echoes instead of the thunder and whispers of his voice?
I say no to these but is that the deep truth of my heart?
Jesus is unpredictable.
Follow me? Where? Do you have hotel arrangements? What about travel insurance? What do I need to pack? What kind of clothes should I bring?

Some get angrier at missing a bus than at children going hungry or killing others in Africa.
Some get more pleasure at winning a game of Monopoly than seeing a drug addict delivered and coming to church.
Some get into relationships that deepen rather than remove our loneliness.
Some cry when we run out of Oxy pads while we blink and look away over an event like 911.
Some get impatient with reading a child a bed time story but waste hours watching TV or banter on the phone about nothing at all.
Some read more of People magazine, or look over and over in Ikea catalogues rather than reading the Bible.

What are some things that tick you about our every day life?
Do you dread God?
Are you in borderland? What keeps you there? What draws you out?
Is your heart burning within you?

2007-01-22T17:30:00.000-08:00

I'm back...it has been a while...
a quick update:
- going to LA for an outreach was amazing
- I went to bible college this last fall and grew in knowlegde and GRACE of my Lord, Jesus Christ
- I have dreds...since the last week in August
- Christmas was awesome
- I am in school again
- the days have been good
- my emotions have been like a roller coaster (nothing new under the moon)
- still working my 4 jobs
- got in touch with some old friends
- my sister is graduating this year and I am hoping to be with her (in Saskatchewan)
- I'm hoping to keep ya'll posted
HAPPY NEW YEAR

lack of

2006-08-22T20:00:00.000-07:00

hmmm...a new post...
I could talk about many things.
I choose to start with the follwing, and God knows where it will finish...
Salina doesn't have time, in the life she barely lives, for Salina.
I need more rest and peace in my life.
I do not need more time. I need an increased awareness of my own time management. Maybe a lot of the anxiousness (or whatever it is) comes from just my mind. If my mind didn't run around as much, perhaps my body and car would not.
Jesus, I want to be just like you. If I decide to make a choice to focus on you, will you give my mind some peace? Will the renewal of my mind by your word help in slowing it down? I love you. Thank you for loving me. I want to search you all the days of my life. This love is undescribable. Let me live in it, and share of it, please.
You are so holy. I love you. I love your names. Your kingdom come, Your will be done on earth as it is in Heaven. Thank you for providing for me thus far. Continue to love me with the same love. Forgive me. Help me forgive others. May forgiveness be a gift easy for me to give. Thank you that you don't give us more than we can handle and when temptation is hard, you always give us a way out. Help us to see that. You have all power, deserve all honor, and I love you. So be it.
Los Angeles was amazing. I was there physically for 10 days at the end of July. A lot of times I am still there in my heart, mind and spirit. Just waking up in the heat and serving others all day long not even wondering about 'my issues' back home was I think like living Kingdom life. I always want to live Kingdom life. Help me oh Trinity. I do love Canada though. Oh Canada!
Once again, looking for a place to live. Relying on God fully to be my boss...getting cheques from his accounts. I don't have money for school yet. I have 3 jobs but not stable pay. Overwhelmed and trying not to cry and stress about happenings in future tomarrows.
Please pray for me. Talk to me and help me if you can. Blessings.

opposites of anger

2006-05-10T08:46:00.000-07:00

the opposite of anger = patience, peace, self-control
the opposite of angry = calm, happy, pleased, satisfied

patience = endurance without murmuring, composure, not easily provoked, submissive
peace = a state of quiet, calm, freedom from war
self-control = control exercised over one self
calm = still
pleased = to delight, to gratify, to give pleasure, to be kind
satisfied = to gratify fully, to content, to fulfill the claims of, to answer, to free from doubt, make amends

some words that go with anger = resentment(revengeful feeling), irritate
some words that go with angry = provoked(to stimulate), wrathful(violent anger, rage, fury), resentful

So perhaps when you, or someone else, is angry ask your Daddy and King for some patience, peace, self-control, (which are all fruits of the spirit) and most highly love to get you through. Just a thought. I know I need to apply this now into my own life. Not only do we need to ask for it, it will be given so, we need to walk in it. Trust Him. He'll do the work in you and through you.

Hodgepodge - in the thesaurus under 'mess'

2006-05-06T23:50:00.000-07:00

I hate when Christians compromise.
Who am I to judge? Who am I not to think with my mind?
I believe we behave out of what we believe.
Does each person have their own convictions that make them live a certain way? Why do Christians not live the same but have different personalities? Should we live the same?
I went away and now I am back.
No, not just mentally or emotionally but physically.
HA HA.
I went away to Keremeous this weekend for a conference that Ev Schroeder, my pastor and friend, was speaking at. I went to pray for her, the town, the people and to be used by God.
I met wonderful people. I worshiped the living God. I saw women get touched by the spirit of God. I met a dear friend's mom and I fell in love with her. I pressed through all thoughts and feelings and just did, followed. I slept great. I ate. I read. I sang and laughed. I submitted and surrendered. I shared and spoke. I grew. I received and gave. I drank water. I walked. I was thankful. But it was a struggle for me the whole time.
I wanted to burst into tears the whole ride home - about 4 hours. After dropping 2 people off here in Maple Ridge I DID! I did as I drove home, unpacked my car, unpacked my bags, rolled on the floor, read emails, read the newspaper...I sobbed.
Why?
Before I went I felt like I wasn't needed but I knew God wanted me there. I followed him. Coming back I felt like I didn't have to go. It would have been just as great without me.
I fought that with trust and faith in God. I don't know what God did through me but I was there and I followed Jesus and that's all I know and that is fine.
There is this woman named Helga who is beautiful and everyone talks about her with such high esteem. I love her myself.
Do people think of me like that? Some people despise me. I am not as pretty as she.
I fought that by stopping the comparison thing. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Jesus trades my ashes in for beauty and I am loved in all aspects by Him.
Someone's whole family is turning towards the shining face of Jesus and in the natural, I don't see that mine is. Again, I fought by stopping the comparing. I will continue to pray and wait in expectancy. Jesus wants no one to perish and he doesn't want anyone lukewarm.
I became worried about where I was going to live, how Sunday school was going to go with me teaching it in a new format, how I felt inadequate to be working at the church for the youth intern. I felt that I was not doing my job. I was angry that I was worried and jealous and comparing. I was angry because I was angry.
Fought this with faith and the word. God works ALL THINGS together for those who love him and are called according to his purposes. He provides for the birds in the air so He will provide much more for me, his daughter. Do not worry about tomorrow, tomorrow has its own worries. Anything not of faith is sin. I live and am because of His grace.
More aggravation came when more people came home. I got more angry. Don't eat junk food at 10 at night and then complain you are overweight. You are simply living with the consequences of your actions. Watching a movie about witchcraft or a TV show that is extremely crude is not feeding your spirit. I thought the thoughts that are at the top of this blog.
Continued the fight: In wrath, remember mercy. Jesus, HELP. Take the log out of my eye before I take the speck out of another's. Put on love which binds everything together in perfect unity.
I went into (a room) and prayed, listened to the bible on CD and fell asleep.
I live in Jesus Christ and sleep on my mother's couch. I slept in my brothers room and he slept on the couch cause they were watching a movie.
In the morning I prayed more because I felt the dirt of the night before was still on me, then became angry because it was still on me. I was miserable. I asked for prayer.
During the morning service, I wanted Jesus to touch me so bad. I just sang, stood, kneeled before him and declared his love over me, even though I did not feel it. Then I felt guilty because it's not about me.
Serving communion..Wow, what torment. Who do you thin you are? You can't serve the body and blood if you are not living in its victory! ALL LIES! I am a daughter of the King, bought with a high price. I am righteous. I am in right standing with God because of the body and blood of my Savior, Jesus Christ. SHUT UP!
Jealousy and comparing came to visit once again. Why could I not worship like others? Am I a gift from God? I am helping this church? Would people be upset if I left? Would it be a party if I came back? YUCK, yuck, yuck. How selfish. I hated my thoughts. I got angry with and at them. Tears showed it. My body language, facial expressions, showed it.
Sunday school turned out good.
God is amazing!
Just before lunch with some dear friends a dear other friend got in a car accident with her baby and I went there to comfort and pray for her.
God is amazing.
Mom was in pain but baby was fine, smiling. When this happened I forgot about myself. She and the baby was top priority.
This is it. Love God with all your mind, heart, soul and strength and love your neighbor as yourself.
I love God. I serve him. I want to be like him.
I almost proved this with this past weekend. I love God. I obey and followed. I replaced truth for lies.
I would hope that another would do the same for me as I did unto my dear friend. I love her. I love God in me.
This email is me ranting...sharing my hodgepodge with anyone who will read.
Please pray for me.
I am in a season of perseverance. I tend to do just that - presevere. PUSH.
I will go up higher. I will trek in deeper, walk through the sludge. I will be a warrior. I will overcome. I will stir my faith. I will believe like a child. I will seek the face of the Lord. I will walk in His ways. I will walk through the disappointments and they won't discourage me to the point where I would consider throwing in the towel. I will be strengthened by every discouragement and by every disappointment because I have already made up my mind that life isn't always easy.
Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope doe not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us. Romans 5:1-5.
Why so downcast, oh my soul?
Put your hope in God!
For I will yet praise you, My God and my Savior.
- - -
Underneath your waterfalls, deep calls out to deep.
Rapids and breakers are washing over me.
- - -
I long for you in a dry and weary land.

hmm

2006-05-02T10:07:00.000-07:00

I have so much to write.
The men's retreat this past weekend was awesome. It was such a privilege to be able to go. I was asked to do the powerpoint and sell some of John Burns' teaching discs. It was awesome to see over 100 men and many ages from different chruches. Wow. Hearing them worship was astounding.
I spent all afternoon with a friend who is seven in 5 sleeps now. It was fun and I learnt much. I love you Tasha! Thank you Ray and Karen for giving me that oppertunity.
Now for a change in context...
Isn't it wierd when you pray for something so long and it finally comes to pass and you think to yourself...perhaps I don't want this? I am there right now. I have been praying for someone for over 5 years to return to Christ and really follow him. Now, this person I have been praying for might be starting to do all the things I've prayed for. Christ know his heart and mine. God knows the work He is doing and even when I don't see I have to believe that. FAITH! I do want my prayers for this guy to happen and at the same time there are many fears that go a long with it. Jesus, let me love for the right reason. All of my ambitions, hopes and plans, I surrender these into your hands.
Anyways...be blessed and go ahead and check out my other blog, write comments or write on your own blog. LOVE YA!

failed...no

2006-04-27T01:18:00.000-07:00

Well...my last post was good.
Youth / Young Adults night last week was interesting. What a great place to apply what God has been teaching me, BUT... I fealt like I failed. Did I? No!
PLBC (Pacific Life Bible College) from Surrey came tonight to kick off thier across Canada tour. I was asked proir to the meeting that night to do announcement and I said no then I said ya, sure. It wasn't a big deal. So then I sat in the auditorium and watched the group grow bigger. As the crowd grew, my confidence shrunk or disappeared or perhaps I just became more worried about it. I didn't want to do announcements anymore. Not in front of all these people I didn't know. I don't know if I was afraid or cared about what people thought. I don't know but I didn't want to do announcements anymore.
The war begins.
Be confindent Salina. Why do I not want to do announcements? I don't know. Are you afraid of what people will think about you? Kinda but who I am in Christ is what really matters. If you get so worked up about announcements, how are you ever going to speak to big crowds like the ones you dream of? God is faithful! I am in a growth process and yes I wish it would move faster but his timing is perfect and I submit to it.
So then someone welcomes everyone to the event and she just fits in. This is her church, her school. She is being real and so confident. Is this me envying her? Probably. I compare myself to her often. I love her so much and I hate the fleshly, wordly mind. JESUS HELP ME. I pray for her, Jesus let me pray for her more, and blessings over her only. She is so wonderful and thank you for moving in and through her.
So I get up there and it is fine. I made practically no eye contact. I don't know why. I wasn't as shaky as I thought I would be. Was I moving in the anointing? Did I have to? I could just be doing duty. Is that ok?
So many thoughts through the whole night.
I wanted to leave. I wanted to dance. Thank you Lord, for letting me learn and live out what I am learning about worship. Calling, crying, and yearning for a passion to be stirred for the name of Jesus Christ in this nation. For the 11 to 14 year olds to have a burning heart for God and for the body of Christ to accept them.

Get it

2006-04-21T09:48:00.000-07:00

This morning I was watching Joyce Meyer, as I try to every day, and she was talking about confidence. Right away I thought 'uh oh'! Confidence is something I lack. Not in all areas but in many. I would love to speak. I feel like I can't. I have nothing to say or something. I do but that is an excuse. I don't mean to pull it out but I do, unconsciously. I am afraid.

So I started crying and had a little conversation with God.
What would I teach?
The word and your life.
I don't know your word.
Yes you do.
Not well enough to teach it. I might start to learn it when I go to school in September. No, I want to know it now.
Than study it.

He has said this to me many times before. We've had this conversation almost repetitively. But this time was different. He said then study it and I could not continue crying. It hit me. I was shocked and I got it. Study it. Stop complaining and work it through. A pause for me to get it and the conversation continued:

How? I don't know how.
Yes you do. You do study it now. You want to know it and I see your heart. Trust in me and I will lead you. Remember your prophetic word. I will teach you. I'll teach you things that you others can't teach by reading the word, listening to a sermon or singing and worshiping. That this is gonna be something of an experience that your going to be able to share with others. Your gonna walk into the holy of holies, where many people have not been, and your gonna be able to describe. And when you start to say it and speak it and bring understanding to it, that others are going to just melt in the presence of the Lord. I am making you a handmaiden, something special. I will groom you. You are in preparation. Just trust me, my daughter. Your Daddy can open doors that no man can close and close doors no man can open. You are also yearning after who you are in Christ. That part of your journey will help you with confidence. Remember also going over my word and learning, transforming your mind, who you are in Christ. What I think of you. Remember John 5 when Jesus is talking about me testifying about Him. You know I do that for you. I see you reading those often to remind your self that I testify for you. Keep doing that. I love you. I love you. I love you. I long for you to drown in my love. I love you.

I was crying cause I felt not smart enough, not called to speak, not having enough confidence to do what burns in my heart, not knowing what to do or say until that time came. I expected almost like to wake up one day and have a sermon in my mind and then go and preach it. I believe that will happen to me one day but it's a process. God just spoke right to my heart and I just couldn't cry anymore. I love getting shocked by his voice and love. I may cry now or later just in thankfulness. He is amazing.

I stopped watching Joyce to write this so I am going to go back now...Pausing and writing as I go.
Confidence to a believer is like fuel to a jet. We have everything we need, it is a choice to withdraw it from our account. Just because we have something doesn't mean we use it. Pray for faith, ok, but use it! Use the faith that you have. Everyone has a measure of faith, use it. I have confidence because Christ is in me. God did not give us a spirit of fear but of love, power and self-discipline. Do it afraid. It's not the end of the world if I make a mistake. Failing doesn't make you a failure. If you miss God, He'll find you and get you back on track. People live this itty bitty lives but Jesus died so we could have a big life. Fear not doesn't mean don't feel afraid, it means don't bow down to fear. Do it afraid. Fear means to set flight or run away. Fear not means to stand strong and keep going forward when things look frightening. You can do whatever I tell you you can do. Satan uses fear to keep us from making progress. Confidence is the belief that you are able and acceptable. We are made acceptable in the beloved. Confidence cause people to be bold, open and plain. It is a blood bought right to be confident. Stop the if's of life and just do something.

I hope ya'll are blessed in someway and thanks for peeking in on my journey.

Dance

2006-03-31T22:29:00.000-08:00

Speak
Sing
Yell
Laugh
Cry
Smile
Listen
Touch
Walk
Run
Trust
Surrender
Love
Encourage

Dance

2006-03-24T10:45:00.000-08:00

I check other people's blog almost everyday. I love to explore other's journies. They help me learn, feel and act. LEARN about God, learn from others mistakes, learn. FEEL sad, happy, jealous, angry, lonely, comforted, encouraged, etc. ACT out of what I've read and what the Holy Spirit has stirred within me. Acts to serve, to believe the word of God, to be victorious, to stop the old lie tape and rerecord the truth, etc. Blogs allow me to think I know that specific person just a little bit more. It's all about relationship. God made us for relationship, out of love and for love. Jesus Christ came so we could have that relationship with God and so that our relationship with others can be lived in love also. Christ had to come. He did come. He is coming again. Yahoo.

clanging cymbals? no?

2006-02-18T22:44:00.000-08:00

I haven't written in quite some time.
Writing now, am I just writing to have a blog to please other people?
Is my motivation love? Probably not. Am I just a resounding gong right now?
I don't want that. I hate that. Is that what I am doing? and yet...
every time I do write on this here blog, something come out that I hope encourages or challenges another.
1 Corinthians 13:1-3 is about speaking in tongues, moving in prophesy, having faith to move mountains, and giving to the poor, BUT it all meaning nothing if we don't HAVE love. Get this. The NIV translation says if we don't HAVE love, not doing it IN love. I have love. God is love. I have God. God has me. He, the spirit, is in me. IN ME.
Let me check some other translations...
The message says: but don't love...but I don't love....I'm bankrupt without love. So I take this as an action word. Love is an action?! There are times when I don't love. There are times when I do things without love. Are there? If God is love, and God is in me, how can I do things without Him? I think it is possible. But I don't want that. I hate that. Is that what I am doing? I concur that we are bankrupt without love.
The NLT says almost the same as the message. Didn't love others...didn't love others...without love I would be no good to anybody...didn't love others, I would be of no value whatsoever. Interesting.
Maybe they go together.
Maybe we need to have love. We need to have God. I need God. God is love. I need love. I want God. I love His love.
Maybe, surely, we need love to give love. Once we have love, lets use it. That is where the action part comes in. Love does a lot of things.
Take all this into consideration; think; pray; act.
Word of God speak. Would you pour down your rain, washing my eyes to see your majesty. To be still and know that you're in this place. Please let me stay and rest in your holiness. Word of God speak.
TRANSFORM.
I'm sure this blog could be longer. I come on and I wasn't gonna write at all and now look.
I want to sleep. I should sleep. This temple needs rest to continue to be healthy for the one who dwells inside.
I've had a long, wonderful day.
Thank you Wendy and Karen for saying yes to God and being bold enough to share. Bless you. Thank you God for many things at Fuel.
So much more...must stop typing...good night.

for me and for you

2006-01-13T23:36:00.000-08:00

It is a new year.
I say I am hopeful in faith.
Discipline and love...the words for the new year.
Change me.

"If we all did things we are capable of doing, we would literally astound ourselves."
Thomas Edison

astound - to strike dumb with amazement

We have the same spirit that raised Christ from the dead in us. We have the Holy Spirit in us. I no longer live but Christ within me. Abide in me and I will abide in you. I will never leave you nor forsake you. We are capable of doing more than Jesus.

Do not get this mixed with you doing what you can do but Christ is in you and He can do anything and everything. Just say yes and obey. Humble yourself. Do not fear.

Love you and may He bless you with wisdom, revelation, peace, joy and love overflowing.

a b4 Christmas miracle

2005-12-22T09:04:00.000-08:00

It is definately the season were we are humbled by a baby and what He grew up to do. His Father, my Father through Him, is amazing.
Some of the following information may be to much for you so jsut to let you know, read at your own risk. (The following post includes a short preach and a mention about a females monthly blessing).
As a few of you know, this past Sunday morning I woke up with a terrible cold. My head hurt, ears were plugged, nose stuffed, throat hurt, I was dizzy and oh so cold, and I am sure it was every muscle in my body that hurt.
I woke up and right away starting fighting it. No way was this the will of God. Now way was I a daughter of the King gonna come under any sickness because Jesus Christ bared it ALL. Many times when crowds surrounded Him, He healed them ALL. I had my doubts, as humans do, about whether Jesus ever suffered from a plugged nose. Because He took on so much to bear the cross for us...I say, I believe, help my unbelief.
I went to church and worshiped. During worship I was on my knees for I felt my weak body could not stand, I got a picture. I got a picture I was there at the manger kneeling before Him. I was asking for healing from a baby. He put His little baby hand around my finger, as babies do, and did not let go for a while. Amazing. Even as a baby, the power of God was probably in Him. His touch is enough. A touch from this baby is enough I kept saying and continued to praise Him. We can be so distracted and discouraged by focusing on us but He is bigger than our sicknesses and problems. He is the only one worthy of worship and praise. He is holy and exalted and God. In our own lives, in our own hearts, I think we need to check where He is. Is He exalted? Is He your King and yet your Daddy? Is He your friend and your lover? He longs to be all of these. Anyways...
God told me to go home and rest in Him. I slept right after church until about 4:30. Felt a little better. Then slowly got ready for the banquet. Again, He said: "Go. You look beautiful despite the way you feel. Don't go with what you feel. Trust in Me. Rest in Me". I went and had a fabulous time. Thank you all for helping. I then went home to bed. I woke up at one point and called my brother to the bed. I asked him to squeeze my finger like little babies do. He did. I wanted to do a prophetic action to my vision earlier that day. I then went back to sleep.
The next morning I woke up the same except more dizzy. I was craving yogurt and veggies but we had none. God has taught me about health during this time too. Mom asked me to go to the doctor today and left for work. I felt like I was going to the Doctor. God is the best Doctor anyone could ever have. He even said to me: "You are going to the doctor, you are coming to me. I want you to continue doing that". I phoned Fran to ask if I could not come to work today and she said it was ok. I did go out a little in the morning but not far; I did not feel it 100% safe for me to drive. I slept for most of the day. When mom came home from work we went to the doctors, God said :"Obey your mom". We went and the doctor gave me some medicine suggestions. Miracle after miracle. Mom dropped of the paper to the pharmacist and they said it would be about $50. After a trip to Nashville and Christmas shopping I had $23 in my bank. My cute 12 year old brother lent me $60. Praise the Lord. We got my prescription and some fruits and veggies and left for home. The Pharmasist said this one medicine can cause stomach pain...ok, I want to get better and if this stuff will help than ok.
Tuesday morning, feeling ok so I went to work. Got home around 1 and then at supper time I felt sicker than before. My stomach was bad. I hurt from my sternum to my pelvic area. It didn't help I had gotten my period the day before and I had diarrhea. I spent the whole night running to the toilet to vomit. Got hardly any sleep but was still trusting in God's healing power.
Wednesday, didn't go to work again. I slept for a couple hours during the day and had a dream that I received the wrong medicine. My mom got off early because the power went out and so we went to the doctors that afternoon. This time I saw a doctor that I knew and trusted, a mother to one of the boys I watch at daycare. I told her my symptoms and she took the pills away and said I am not going to treat you. She took a swab of my throat and that was that.
Right then was a moment of breakthrough and praise. Yes my God is big. Yes my God is the Doctor. He is the best.
I went home and yes, I was still dealing with a sore stomach. The Doctor said it would take 24 to 48 hours to get out of my system. I say...My God is bigger than that. I went to bed after watching a Christmas movie with my mommy and this morning I feel great. My nose is stuffed, not so much. My stomach is still trying to hurt sometimes but I am not having it and I am ready to proceed into the walking of God's will. This season where we are humbled by God servant heart to us, I am spurred on to live in His miracles as I hope you will be too. Please join with me to praise Him. Bless you all and have a Merry Christmas.

multi-subjects

2005-12-13T07:03:00.000-08:00

Nashville was disappointing. I thought it was a Country tourist town but it is a city with tall buildings and people and traffic. It is like Vancouver. We did lots of shopping. Mel is wonderful and coming home in 3 days.
Who are we to judge whether someone is Christian or not? I have been praying for this one person for like 7 years and I woke up this morning and starting praying for him and I stopped because He believes that Christ is the only way to God. I then proceeded to pray for His growth in Christ. This is very important if not only for him but for me as well. This allows me to stop judging him-which I was probably doing-and lifting him up. All this time I thought I was doing a great thing for him, praying for his salvation and all. Jesus can save us in different areas in life yes, but Jesus doesn't leave your heart once you ask Him in and continue to believe He is the only way. Thank you Father.
I love family. I love when people get reunited and wonder and happiness spew all over. It is like a river that is flowing. Many waters cannot quench love, rivers cannot wash it away.
Zachery Lovett, I love you. I pray that your life would be full of God's glory. That you would see and taste that He is good and respond to that all the days of your life. For someone only 4 hours old when I saw you...you are the cutest baby I have ever seen. May you influence your uncle and the rest of your family. Ask about God...seek Him and find the truth, the life and the way.
Bless ya'll.

What to do?

2005-11-27T01:17:00.000-08:00

I pray Father that you would teach me to speak. Teach me to use words, from the English language, from any language that will make sense to people so they be touched by you and your Holy Spirit.
I drove home today from Silverdale, where I just filled my tank with gas, and I could not stop thinking about my earlier years and dreams.
I remember making up songs at my grama's cabin and in my old apartment and just belting them out.
I remember in grade 3 being so scared to try out for the lead of my class play. I sat with my friends in our little desks in a square shape and they kept encouraging me to try out...I did eventually. I remember my 2 teachers looking at me. Encouragement and love flowing from their eyes. I got it.
I remember that same year doing my first solo act with a dress and mike and big 80's hair. I sang a song by Tanya Tucker, a famous country singer, about a tree bending in the wind.
I remember seeing you, God, there. Now I see you. My earthly parents were not, but you were. Thank you.
Thank you for blessing me with friends all the way through. Whether they were mean or nice, I never felt really alone. I usually had someone at school. Thank you for this special blessing.
I remember in high school going through every c.d. I knew to find what country song I could sing the best. I remember making dance moves to the songs like the performers I had seen on T.V. I remember the shouts I received after each opportunity on stage. I wanted to be an entertainer.
I remember having sleep-overs with my great friend Jen and we sang into my kereoke machine for hours together. I had sang with my friend Ashley and even sometimes, my brother and I would do duets together.
I remember crying in bed cause I wanted to be somewhat like Reba or Faith or Shania or Terri. I wanted it so bad.
Here I am again, crying.
I am going to Nashville. I am going to see a dear friend graduate from Mercy Ministries. I am going to Nashville, the country capital of the world.
On the ride home to Maple Ridge, I am hit with memories and dreams. Thoughts and wishes.
Why do I have these dreams deep within?
I don't want to be famous. I want God to have all the fame in heaven and on earth. He is the only one worthy.
The first year I came to a Christmas banquet at Generations-my church-4 years ago, I remember Barb Bradbury singing a song by Amy Grant, a Christian artist who is married to Vince Gill, a country artist. Why do I remember these things?
Jesus, here I am surrendering these things to you again. I do not know why I am crying but I do know that I trust in you. People say that 'God gives us desires in our hearts' but where is that in the scriptures and what is the context? I do not desire to be selfish and reap fame but to do what pleases you. I long to obey your every word. I long to be used by you to make your name known and loved more and more. I thank you that the tears are gone now and I pray that I would receive peace of mind that surpasses my understanding. I pray, my lover, that I would sleep in your arms tonight. I love you most of all, above all else. Be blessed, my beloved, and I will see you in the morning and in my dreams.
Thank you all for seeing a glimpse of this heart in these immeasurable words.

iron

2005-11-20T21:10:00.000-08:00

I hate that it hurts this bad.

To give something up,

to lay something down.

No matter how much I want to hold on
or want to spit or swear or con,
I am not meant to be that person anymore
so I hide my thoughts in drawers
and yet some how they get thrown on the floor.

You say it is ok, trust in me.
I come and that is what you ask of me
but I come and think I'm not becoming free.
Do these chains have no key
or have I been holding them but not able to see?
Is the fight always constant?
Is the fight always frustrating?
When I'm fighting that fight is it with them, Him or me?

Yet still I search to find hope,
to find freedom and healing,
to know myself as someone worth saving.
I am tired of learning just to cope,
I want to be more awake
and about how to learn from mistakes.
I will walk in this grace
I need to look things right in the face,
not to run away and hide
but to embrace and die.
Die to myself, die to my wants,
die to all the things that haunt.

Just as surely as the autumn rains come,
the leaves fall and the winds blow,
I have to believe that this will not be my home.

When flying through the air, free to roam,

I will find where I belong and hopefully land low.

Then peace and pureness comes in a new snow,
and again this will be another beginning this I know.

I hate that it hurts this bad.
To give something up,
to lay something down.
When an ox unyokes I wonder if it struggles,
with anger or apathy or maybe it just giggles.
To give something up or to lay something down,
how do you act, do you smile or frown?
What other feelings to get, sassy or sad
I guess it depends on what choices you had.
To be free or to continue to juggle
all the things inside your bubble.
To give something up or lay something down
is to change into a bag or a gown.

Bags don't fit us properly
and gowns are just to fancy really.
It might hurt this bad because we settle for a bag.
It might hurt this bad because we feel so unworthy of a gown.
We beat ourselves up with a punch and a kick.
Every little scab we reopen by continuing to pick
hoping to perfect ourselves like a cats single lick.

Maybe the gown is not that hard to achieve

maybe if we treat the scab it will eventually leave.

Is the gown free and can we please just receive?

To add to all of these, with the gown comes a crown.

To add to all of these, usually a paper bag is brown.

I want color, I want class,

I want to holler I will not pass.

This might hurt more than I know

but I will give something up

and lay something down.

Mold me like I am some dough
so I can wear a gown and a crown.

excuse?

2005-11-18T00:26:00.000-08:00

I want to write at least once a week. I sit here and think of so many things. Yet...no excuse. Not even time. Not even laziness. Not even that I am tired. I am sorry...or am I? I wish I am if I am not. I love 'Joshua' and He loves me. Good night and ta ta for now. Until...whenever.

2005-10-07T22:24:00.000-07:00

If I would explode...what would it look like?
What kind of explosion? One of the mind? One of the body?
Would I bleed red or blue or maybe even purple? Would there be a puddle of water around me that only came from my tear ducts? Would the smell of sweat be present?
If it was a explosion of the mind...Would you see any African Americans or the beautiful First Nations People who where really here first and yet we don't honor them too highly for there minds and the way the use the earths resources(?). These are people who truly use what God has given them but some don't honor Him the way they should. Every knee and tongue, praising Jesus Christ...What does that sound like ? Can we reach an overflowing? Have you ever been in awe? If it was an explosion of the mind, would photographs all come flying out? Would you see all the things I've seen? Would you love all the people I love? Would you hate what I hate? Would you have done anything differently? Why? Why?

Thank you Lord for creating this random, awkward, and pretty day. I love you so much. Thank you for all that you have done with my life. Thank you for every person I have seen and met, through it all. I am so blessed yet so hurting.
I repent for any apathy I've had toward the hurricanes. I thank you that you revealed the reality to me tonight, seeing people sleeping on a cot in a football field with hardly anything, some without families or friends. Thank you for allowing me to see the movie last night about Ethiopia, Cambodia and Chesnia. The people there oh God. How can I help? You see who I am. You run the governments and the storms upon the oceans. What can I do? I thank you that I can pray and that it is good enough until you tell me something different.
Jesus, I pray that I have my oil in my lamp and I am awake when you come for me. I just want to be with you. Father, I pray for Mike and Ev, that you would teach them and stir up the Holy Spirit within them. Refresh them please oh God so they may continue to do your work with strength, joy, peace and wisdom. I pray for their family as well, that you would bless them and keep them. Protect them, shelter them, and be their wonderful father and friend.
I pray for Canada. 'revival, from coast to coast, in Canada' Rahn; 'He shall have dominion from sea to shining sea' Clark. At a time when I should be praying for Jerusalem, I pray for the peace of Canada. Maybe Canadians have no idea what world tragedy is or perhaps how to deal with it. Starving to death? Having a province, or a lower mainland flood? Having the army prancing around everywhere with guns? JESUS! Jesus, our national anthem! Our home. Our home? True love in the sons command. This is what you said to us. Love God and love one another. 'Where is the love, the love, the love?' Jesus, that Canadians would love like you love. We stand on guard? We do? do we not compromise? Are we never apathetic? Do we always feel useful and powerful? GOD KEEP OUR LAND, GLORIOUS AND FREE. We stand on guard for thee. Oh Canada, we stand on guard for thee. I will. I will continue to pray for this country. I want to see some things before I die God. I will stand on guard. Thank you for the glory that you have put into the land and I pray that you will continue to bring freedom.
Thank you Trinity. For yours is the power and the glory and the honor forever and ever. Amen.

recordar

2005-09-28T09:46:00.000-07:00

Spanish for remember
I go away on a retreat and learn so much but sure do miss everyone at home. So much to say...but there is a worry of putting it in order and all systematic and everything.
I was scared to leave. Friday night was a kids club at our church and I wanted to be there to help and hang out with the kids so bad. Saturday was play practice and fuel. I wanted to be to those even more than the Friday night. Sunday morning was Family service and dang, to miss that...I was broken. These are things I had to lay at the cross daily, maybe minute-ly Wed, Thursday and throughout the weekend. Die to self. Losing life only to find life. I get home Sunday and ask people how the weekend went and people say good. The world goes on without me but I am needed and wanted but it is not reliant on me. Praise God. I am not the Savior of the World. YES!
The whole weekend was out of Psalm 84:4-7. Blessed are those who dwell in your house, they will forever be praising you. Praise Him always and you will be blessed. A pilgrim is one who journeys through a foreign land but has vision toward something. This became a revelation to me Friday night, Saturday morning. I am on a pilgrimage. Nothing around me is secure but the vision and road I am walking on to Jesus Christ. Sleeping on my mother's couch, housesitting for a month, starting a new job...nothing around me feels secure. And the best part is that it's good I am not secure in my surroundings because that is not where my security comes from. My hope is in God.
Why live ugly when you can live beautifully?! How are you living ugly? How can I live that beautifully? Are you happy with the history you are leaving? Just some questions. Search your heart and ask God to help you answer these and work on these in your life.
For a while now...Jesus has been showing me that He is backing me up. When I say 'ish' or 'something' I am unsure about what I am saying or I don't want to step on anyone's toes. I've got to stop that. It is not who Jesus has created me to be. John 5:32 says 'There is another who testifies in my favor, and I know that his testimony about me is valid'. I only want to do what I see the Father doing (also in John 5...verse 19). I don't want to leave a history of being doubtful and wavering. This is one way I am living ugly. Jesus told me He would teach me and He would speak. But I have to know His words. I have to Believe it, speak it, do it and receive it. There has to be co-operation between me and my Savior. This can be made beautiful living.
Pass through the valley of weeping. PASS THROUGH. Do not stay there. Here are some things that can make you stay: not dealing with loses (walk through grief, don't bottle it up), being angry at God (when you are in the valley, that is when your true image of God will be tested), hanging on to bitterness, unforgiveness and revenge (don't drink poison hoping someone else is going to die), self pity (victim mentality), fear (of future, past, provision, to get hurt again)...Your identity is not what you do. He didn't choose you to do a whole bunch of things for Him, He choose you because He delights in you.
They make it a place of springs. THEY MAKE IT. How, you may ask? Take back your will to choose. Own your stuff and don't play the blame game. You may not be responsible for what happens to you in your life but you are responsible for how you respond. Process your emotions. It's alright to be angry, but don't sin in your anger. Remember the faithfulness of God. Forget the former things and move on. Do you want to struggle with the same things you are now, 5 years from now? I sure hope not! Your past doesn't determine your future. Jesus blood is enough for you. When those tapes of lies start playing, push stop on the tapeplayer. INSERT A NEW TAPE with the promises and truths of God. You will be transformed by the renewing of your mind (Romans 8:2). Speak life and not death. Deut30:19 - choose life not death. The enemy is the accuser, He doesn't need your help. Control your thoughts and tongue. Guard them. Pray the answer instead of the problem. Instead of grumble grumble to God, speak his will, which is the word. Pray life over the problems. Don't isolate. Satan loves detached believers. We need each other. Jesus told us to love real people, not ideal people. Keep doing right, even when you don't feel like it. Gal 6:9. Don't give up. Sing. Go from strength to strength. Know where your strength comes from. Your greatest struggle s will be your greatest victories.
This is a lot to share with ya'll. Couple more things...Jesus had me read Luke 12. Here, in this chapter He talks about many things. First, He talks about hypocrisy and accepting Him. Then He talks about greed and rich men. He then talks about not worrying about what to eat or wear because the Father knows already what we need. If the Father in heaven feeds the birds, he will feed us as well. He continues with being ready for the return of the bridegroom and ends with a bit of His mission. In this one chapter, Christ is all over the map and yet it all fits. This encouraged me. I feel like when I speak, I am all over the place. Jesus showed me this bit of scripture and spoke to me through it. He is teaching me daily of how to live for Him in relationship. I love Him and He loves me.
I pray that the Lord would bless you as well and bring His glory upon you. Love you all.
Salina

little thank u's

2005-09-04T22:55:00.000-07:00

Jesus, I never want to take things for granted. Thank you for your grace! Thank you for your love and your blood. Thank you, Jesus, for your gift of friendship. We really don't deserve anything and yet you choose, because of your love, to just give and give and take away. You are holy. I thank you, Lord, for the gift of others in my life, for the presence of people. Sometimes I want to be alone with you, but thank you for friends. Thank you for using other people to speak through. Thank you! Thank you! I love you! May you please bless and keep and revive the hearts of those close to me and those in authority in Maple Ridge, British Columbia, and Canada...and the world. AMEN!

!? help me ?! PLEASE !?

2005-09-02T23:07:00.000-07:00

You see the depths of my heart and you love me the same.

Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to his cross and crucified them there. If we are living now by the Holy Spirit, let us follow the Holy Spirit's leading in every part of our lives. Let us not become conceited, or irritate one another, or be jealous or envious of one another. - Galations 5:24-26

These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far away. - Matthew 15:8

If you love me, obey my commandments/do as I command. - John 15:14

Prophetic word:
Ben Woodman at SOZO, September 2005

There will be an outpouring of love and anointing on Maple Ridge. We are hearing what God is saying and we are taking the book of his will for Maple Ridge of a library shelf and blowing on it, dusting it off and opening it. We are saying YES to what he has written in his book and are going to help how we can and watch the story unfold for this time. There will be a lot of opposition from the inside and the outside. You are going to have to fight for and guard the unity that is growing. Pray tons! Humility is key here. There is going to come an example from here to the surrounding cities, provinces and to the nation. Youth ministries are going to grow this year, double in size.

With this Jesus, I pray that you prepare us and teach us. Give us strength as you stretch our tent pegs further, wider. Give us joy, Father, and your love to outpour as you promise. AMEN!

What is going on?

2005-09-02T10:46:00.000-07:00

lost and found

2005-08-10T17:46:00.000-07:00

How do I express my life right now? It has to be some what short cause it is before youth and I am not a very fast typer. I am workin' a whole lot because I am going to Alberta and Saskatchewan on the 14th till the 23rd or somethin' like that. I am trying to move into a storage and my mom's when I find I have time. I miss my friends-or whatever they are.
I don't know who I am, I think. Why do I do the things I do? Who is this man who died for me? The lies come: I am inadequet and not as good as so and so and I can't speak and I don't have good management skills and ... but we do have a stop button. There may be a difference in knowing there is a stop button and actually pushing it. Stop, stop, stop, in the name of the Lord. And if the lies stop I entice them to follow still by questions: is this just me denying reality or is this really the opposite of who God says I am? Am I who he says I am? blah blah blah Stop, stop, stop, in the name of the Lord! Jesus Christ, I pray that you help me. Change me on the inside and outside. Change me. I want to be Christian. I want to be more like you. I want to say I will be. Father, I love you. Thank you for loving me. May I please know of this love deeper and deeper so I can understand the above questions, so I can live my life the way you intended me to. Thank you everyone for being who you are in my life. Special mention to John, Jared-moving and sharing with me, Christa, Maria and Jeff-for ears and stretching oppertunities, Adam-for including me, and Mom-I love you and I pray my actions would show it more.

2005-07-19T10:13:00.000-07:00

I haven't written in a while but I thought I'd drop a couple lines to tell ya'll that I still appreciate blogs and its purpose for me. Letting me write, confusing as it is, and allowing ppl to comment even though some may not want to. Yehaw! Anyways...It's my birthday in 2 days! I've done lots with God in these 2 weeks but I don't have my journal with me or my bible at the moment so I can't write anything too exciting. I am just continuing to push on to the abundant life He promises.
Are we just waiting for heaven? Because if we are it's kinda lame. I say this because even when our physical bodies die, do we go to straight to 'heaven' or do we wait unitl the 'end times'? Thinking? I believe there is more to life than waiting to get to heaven and being good so we can. Jesus wants us to do something else. Maybe He wants us to do many things...still thinking? So am I.
Love you and Bless you-ttfn.

Good morning!

2005-07-06T07:47:00.000-07:00

I love when God literally wakes you up.
I stayed up till 3am Monday night planning my schedule for Tuesday. Out of many, many important things, I acomplished one thing - and to me it was not so important. Half of the drag was sleeping in till 12:15. Ah. That is so not me but I guess it was needed. I remember driving to Coquitlum that afternoon surrendering my will and saying that I wanted His plans for the day. He knows what I needed to do and His ways are higher than mine. I just hope I did what his plans were-ish, because it is a chioce to follow him and we can not always obey.
I am so thankful that Jared and John came into work on Monday, it filled me with great joy. It was wonderful to see Sam and coochie with her as well. It's good to have Laura back for the outreach and some. Bless all those who I gave a shout out to. I really miss Adam and I have to visit him soon!
So, Tuesday...woke up late, got ready, wanted to pluck my eyebrows so bad but didn't cause I felt like I didn't have time, went to Coquitlum-office, went to Zellers-me, picked up Ritz-dance, picked up check-me, dropped stuff off at Salvation Army Thrift Store-mom, dance, went to Ev's for outreach training-girls, and spoke to Ev about my insecurity, anger, work issues. Did 2 things I guess on my list-Coquitlum and dance. Ya! I love how God moves even when we don't know it. Drama practice got cancelled for Tuesday. Thanks God : ) So I get home from Ev's and remember the numerous times my brother called that day wanting me to come over. I remember saying to him that I would either be over late that night around 1pm or 10am the next morning. So I lay in bed thinking I should go over there. Finding something to where the next day...oh my what drama! Let's just say I was at my mom's at 12:45. YES!
So this morning I get a phone call at 7 am from Fran Devries. How was she to know I was at my mom's? How is that I woke up just as my mom stands outside the open door and says "I don't know, you can ask her."? I love when God wakes you up to remind you that He is thinking about you. He awakens you to let you know that He is still in control and is still working behind the scenes like the worlds best secretary.
Where do I end? I can't say where do I start because I have already and I have written quiet a bunch so I kinda want to end but I just have so much more to write. JESUS! Jesus, I thank You for friends who encourage and/or listen-thank you Ev Schroeder and Jennifer Hicks. May the Lord bless you and speak to you; may you be obedient to Him alone and have His joy and love overflowing unto you. I think you for your word. I thank You that you have given me strength to be persistant, more please Lord. I thank You, Holy Spirit, for working in me and through me, for healing me even though it hurts, and for comforting me. Praise You.
PRAISE HIM! PRAISE HIM!
Remember the challenge...it's in the previous blog if you can please take a look.
Love ya'll and Blessing just the more.

2005-07-02T08:31:00.000-07:00

What do you write about at 8:30 in the morning on a Saturday getting ready to go to a job you really are not passionate about? We will see, won't we?!
So I coloured my hair and cut it. The dye is new and it's called Natural Match by Loreol. It is supposed to bring out the natural highlights in your hair, cover greys and leave shine-ness. I chose a dark blonde so it wouldn't be a huge change, considering I haven't died my whole head of hair with a permanent colour all over for about 6 years. It didn't really change my colour but it evened it out and gave a couple highlights or something. I just cut off maybe 2 inches and then got layers in the front. My hair's pretty dead but I am just putting them in big knots in September...dreds all the way.
I am so thankful for a spiritual dinner on Thursday night and Friday morning. I watched a few dvd's with some girl friends that will help me grow on my journey through this life. Jesus, I love you and I love people. Thank you for making us and putting us together.
Still don't know where I'm gonna live but God knows and because I try to listen, I will hear him when He tells me and/or shows me. He is faithful and good and will always be.
Jesus, help me to just be with you all the time, in whatever I do, wherever I am. I don't just want to do works, I don't to just do things for you, I want to be with you. I desire intamacy.
Gonna go eat something now before I go to work...love ya'll and may He bless you with joy and peace.

2005-06-26T18:24:00.000-07:00

JESUS! I NEED YOU! - my heart but a quote from Ben Woodman at Fuel, June 2005.
I need your grace, I want your grace, what is your grace? What is grace? I'll look it up..sometime soon. What is God's grace? Jesus, may I find it. Let this wisdom you say I have know of your grace. Please, father.
Jesus take the anger away. When it comes up, work through it with me. I pray that you would make me one who does not push down but one who runs to the throne to deal...to be free. To be healed by your love and mercy and kindness and goodness. I love you Lord.
This line that is blinking and moving everytime I hit some more keys is the one that has moved backwards because of this one button with a backward arrow. So many thoughts written down and then this urge to just erase it. That is weird. Interesting.
I love people so much and I think that is why I hurt so bad as well. My emotions may be extreme or maybe, hopefully, I am just sensitive to the heart of God sometimes. I'd like to be more and more. I'd love to be one with him. I think I am cause it might say so in the word. I should check that 0ut sometime soon.
Jess, I really enjoyed talking with you. I love you lots. Maria, be ready. For what I don't know but I hear 'be ready'.
Worship is for God alone. Worship is not a time to talk to others and dilly dally. Keep pressing in, please, and I don't think that is a plea from just my heart. Besides, if you talk during worship, what will you talk about later when God has set aside time to fellowship with other believers? He made us in relationship. He wants us to talk to each other just as he yearns for us to talk to him. When you do something great and then others ignore giving you praise, how do you feel? He is Lord, he created emotions and the mind. Imagine you just saved a life. Many people saw you save a life but instead of giving you a reward, they talk to thier friends and family about what they wore that day or the weather. I think you'd feel angered maybe?! Jesus, I pray you teach us what worship is. Really, truely, deeply, honestly. That we would understand what you are teaching and do as you have asked or told us to do. I guess I challenge you to go into worship with an expectation to meet with him and not to give up. I challenge you not to talk to anyone but the Trinity in your next 'worship session'. He deserves your worship and He desserves it whole heartedly! Bless you all and I definatly love you.

2005-06-14T21:22:00.000-07:00

Suffering is God's megaphone to a deaf world - C.S.Lewis
I just like that, that's y I wrote that. It isn't what this blog is about or anything but I wanted it on here. Interesting view huh?
I wrote a blog a while ago but it did not publish because I clicked no intsead of yes for something. I was angry writing the blog and that made em even more angry so I just said forget it.
Anyways...this will be a short one maybe and probably pretty pointless. I don't want things in my life to be pointless. I want everything I say, everything I do to have a purpose. Is that possible? Sometimes in life we do things we don't really want to do but is it bad? Is it pointless? It may seem like it at the moment but I'm not so sure.
Jesus, help me be happy with what I have, and where I am and who you have me to be right now. Where in your word do you tell me not to compare to others and why? Please show me. I want to be a woman who obeys your word not becasue I have to but because I want to - simply out of loving you. Loving you in response to you loving me.
I trust you Lord and I say Yes to your plans - even though they are not so fun at times. I don't know what is going on with my living situation since my house has sold. I don't know what hours I am working at Star Five. Is there always a question mark somewhere is someones life? I am not stressing out though, I think I have lots of peace. God knows what is happening and he will tell me when I ask him what to do. Not one sparrow goes without, and he cares for me much more. We have a relationship and I love him and He loves me. Ooooh!
I have other things to do now but still wanted to let you know I am alive and even when I'm not thinking something..I'm still thinking something. Ya.
Love you and bless you all.

the first one

2005-06-06T20:07:00.000-07:00

I've wanted to start a blog for some time now but will I keep it up? Will I be committed to pushing keyboard buttons to express things in my mind or in my heart? Will I continue if people know or even care? I will wait and see, won't I?
Lately I have been thinking about being stubborn or anal. A few people have said that I am these things. Anal about the food I eat. I want to be healthy and yes it is true I want to loose weight. Anal because sometimes I like to know the details. Stubborn because I won't give up easily. Is that a good thing? I would think so but ppl say it in such a negative tone. I want to be persistant in my faith; persistant is in a thesarus I have next to stubborn. Not so persistant that I frighten ppl away, or i seem intimidating but persistant because I know my God. Jesus, show me how to live. Jesus, show me what life is. And once you show me, oh my lover, may I follow with all my heart, mind and strength. Every breath I have, may it be praise to you! I can go off on so many tangents but I think I shall retire from this moment and go on to the next. Love and bless you all.